So it's the next night/morning. It's 3:13am and I still don't know how to feel. Yesterday I was just writing to get my feelings out and to see if I would feel better. Throughout the day I had my ups and downs. And all of today I shared my previous Journal with a couple of people because they came to me....only like 4-5 people. But only 3 to seem to really cared. But I only really talked to two. (I know I did not reach out to people, I just didn't really want to. But in a way I hoped you would more people would reach out to me) I just feel so...insecure. I feel alone still. I think that's my biggest fear not only hear but in all of life. Is that I don't fit in. That people are in my face saying they care and love me but in the back of my mind I feel like they don't. That nobody does. I don't want any sympathy from anyone. I just want to be heard. I want to actually feel like I am loved. That someone care. Maybe people do but I keep telling myself that they don't. I'm my biggest enemy when it comes to this. When I have something good going for myself and with others.....I ruin it. Friendships. Relationships. My own reputation. My dignity, my pride........I just self destruct. I make people run away from me. I just can never let go things go my way. No one truly understands me and they never will. But that's okay because...I think I know what to do.
Sometimes I put people before myself. And when I need people, they are no where to be found. Today dawned on me that only a select few does. But not even the love of my life does....First in life I need to make a big change. To love myself first. Then learn that they are people that love and care. And be true to myself, and if anyone has a problem with it, then they don't need to be in my life. And if people think a certain way about me that's negative then I don't need them in my life. I don't want them in my life and I need to learn that I don't need them to get to me. Because I know who I am.
If you're reading this, I want to thank Aaron and Matt. You two are the closest people that knows basically the ins and outs of me now. We grown close and I love you both so much. Thank you Tray for seeing about me and Josh. I just need to work on myself and better myself. Learn to not let anyone from this community or life get to me and just love myself....Thank you.
I just needed to get this out and I did.