If you're reading this, this isn't a treat. Tonight I thought I need to write out my feelings. I wanted to post this to see if there is someone. Just one person in the entire word that at least feels and knows how I'm feeling....I hope so.
.....My life...my life as of now is like a horse. A horse who broke it's leg and no matter how hard it tries to heal and be strong, it fails. And when that happens to a horse, it gets laid to rest...and that's how I feel. That I need to be laid to rest. I joined this community thinking but nothing but great possibilities for myself. I'll make new friends, make close ones. Make bonds, have the time of my life and just don't think about any worries. And that's why I joined this community. For the love of wrestling, for the love of creating and letting my imagination soar, to forget all my troubles in my life....But ever since 2015, this community is one of the biggest troubles in my life. But it's like crack, it's bad for me but I just can't quit it. I have great friends here, I have...the love of my life here.....but I just can't keep going through this never ending cycle. People left and right complain about how this community is boring. How it's nothing but drama this and drama that. That nothing is getting done and we are bringing in things that do not matter. We are basically becoming another community that DOES NOT revolve around WWE and WWE gaming at all. We want it to be better but simply do not practice what we preach. We don't get our matches done. We don't hand in things in time. We slack, we don't have time to do a match but we have time to play other games and delay the editing progress and for shows to come out late. I try so hard to be so positive. To hold my head up and look on the brighter side of things but how can I. When everyone is tearing everything down that they try to build themselves. This community s becoming toxic with each other....And just when I thought I was enjoying myself with someone, a new friend, someone who made me want to continue ll of this and brought something fresh to the table for me....they don't want to do RP with me.....
Tonight....I ran into the "Are you a boy" question again. By someone who I was so close to when I first came here and who I care for and they care about me to...so I think. I am sick and tired of that. I know I lied before and made a huge mess of myself. But for almost 8 years I have been in this community and I still get this question. If i was a catfish, why would I keep digging a grave year after year. Just because I don't go in parties. Don't have a mic or even skype with anyone I get this question. I just not that close to anyone to do this with. Or I don't really need to with anyone. I just wish that people would leave me alone about this. People heard my voice before. I continue to do promos and people have even seen pictures of me..... If this is sketchy to you then fine. But just leave me be. I'm myself and I am how I am. I just want to be left alone and let me live and be me. I just want to live and have fun here as much and as long as I can.
With all of this being said....I am scared to lose the love of my life cause of all of this. I met this guy in this community around the end of 13/beginning of 14. At first I was not into him but something about him pulled me in. All of 14 was beautiful. We had bumps then...huge bumps but we loved each other already and we worked them out lately. He was like my Prince Charming. And I met him over the internet....crazy. But something about him just made me feel like he was right in front of me. But lately.....things have not been like a fairytale. We have been off and on for a while. When we're up, he's the best thing we ever had...but when we are down, it's like he's the devil. I bring it onto myself but....he scares me. And when we are in that state of breaking up, I'm afraid. I'm scared to see him move on, I'm scared that he'll forget me and I'll be nothing without him. He's my best friend and my rock. I want him in my life but...at times like this I shouldn't have him. I'm not happy. I am but...not how I was when I first met him. He was different back then. He knew the right things to say. A true romantic wit his words. It was like I was his priorities. As he was mine. Now he still is...but I don't think I am to him anymore. He don't speak to me the same. I even think he's embarrassed to be with me. That he wants no one to know.....and that breaks me. I love him and want to shout it on the mountain tops but he would be right there to knock me off of it for that not to happen. Sometimes I think he's already moved on and that e's with me just not for me to make a fuss....Our relationship is complicated because it's both IC and OCC. And I do take both seriously. I think sometimes he may be cheating on me in both.That he finds someone better than me.....I wish the best for us but I am also afraid that soon, there will be no us. And I don't know if I can handle that. Do I carry on to be not 100% happy but keep seeing the brighter side of whatever he can give me....or start the long lonely journey of recovery.....
On 7/12/2017 at 3:57 am, these are the things that go through my brain and is on my chest. That makes me overthing and even giving me anxiety as I speak. To some you may think I am crazy. That I am too much and that I need to snap into reality. But this is my reality. Maybe I am crazy and too much...It's how I am and it's how I feel....And I feel like that horse with a broken leg that doesn't heal...that needs to be laid to rest.